grown-ups

it's a scary thing to grow up. oh, sure, we all talk a good game, but when it comes down to the reality of growing up we are all terrified. one day your snacking on graham crackers and chocolate milk in kindergarten and the next your walking across the stage receiving a college diploma in something you may or may not have a career path in. your days of chasing butterflies are supplanted by days chasing paychecks. joy in simple things is replaced with faking joy in complicated things.

my 4-year-old amazes me with his energy and enthusiasm with the simplest of things. offer almost any activity and he's all over it like you created the best new game in the world. he's not stupid...not by any means. he's not grown up...and i envy that. he's never had to worry about getting the bills paid on time or whether or not his cereal has BHT or whether women should or should not be ordained. he's not concerned with meat vs. vegetarian vs. vegan or riddled with a drug/alcohol addiction or fighting off an STD contracted from yet another bad choice. he hasn't struggled through algebra or english class, let his mind wander will sitting through a meaningless task at his dead-end job or lost his keys the morning of a big interview. he hasn't "experienced life" like i have. but i envy his life.

my son isn't scared to grow up yet. he announces proudly, to anyone who may ask, that he is four and on his next birthday he'll be five and then eight. (someone needs to teach my kid the correct sequence of numbers.) he asked me this week if he could get a skateboard when he turned eight and then go to the skate park. (i said yes, btw.) he eagerly anticipates each new morning. he's up ready to roll without an alarm clock clutching the day by the nape of its neck and refusing to let it go lest he miss out on every exciting thing it may offer.

i'm afraid of him growing up because i don't want him to lose the wonder i lost. i'm afraid of him growing up because he'll stop looking forward to turning 28, 38, 48. i'm afraid of him growing up and losing his death grip on each day demanding it shake loose some of the goodness God grants this world. i'm afraid of him growing up and becoming like his dad.

it's a scary thing to grow up. i talked a great game when i was younger. and though i am not "old" i have lost too much of the wonder of the world. i have lost too much trust and too much vigor. i don't want to grow up any more. i want the heart of my little boy.